Two Years Later

Two whole years since we started this journey. This time of year used to be strictly an exciting time. Days get longer and warmer. School wraps up. My (Clay) birthday is in there. And our anniversary is in there. Bur now we also have this strange cloud lurking over us, bringing back so many difficult memories.

May 25, 2023 was the morning I had the MRI that revealed a mass that looked like cancer. May 29, 2023 was Memorial Day and the day I had all the scans that confirmed the diagnosis and showed us the extent of the spread. Those days, and the toll they took on us, are etched in our memories. Even as we celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary last week, we couldn't help but think about how it marked the 2-year mark of this new life we are now living.

Everyone who gets to the 10-year anniversary gets to reminisce about how different they both are than when they got married. About how they are such different people than the couple who stood at the altar. And how different life turned out to be from what they expected (at least for most people). However, many people get to talk about those things and just smile. Those conversations are filled with far more sadness and mourning for us. We certainly didn't expect life to look like this 10 years ago. Or even 3 years ago. Yet here we are.

But we ARE here. Both of us are. So we'll keep fighting back tears at anniversary dinners while we talk about how different everything is. We'll continue looking for the positive ways this journey has changed us and all the ways the Lord has sustained us. Through every bad scan and every painful day and every unmet expectation He remains constant and continues to provide for us in extravagant ways. No one asks for opportunities to grow like this — not intentionally, at least. We don't enjoy suffering like this even though we know trials and times of suffering offer some of the greatest seasons of growth in us. We like to think we are like Paul and know how to be content in every circumstance until those circumstances turn sour. We know he wrote those words while in prison and after much suffering but we don't comprehend the depths of those words until we enter those valleys and get to experience the Lord's sustenance in new, intimate ways. It's easy to quote "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" while staying comfortable and relying on our own strength everyday. It's when the life that we think we've built comes crashing down that we actually learn what it means to be strengthened by Christ. Experiencing the trustworthiness of the Lord isn't easy but it is worth it every time.

My Bible reading plan threw me a curveball the other day. On 5/24, I read Psalm 118. On 5/25 (the 2-year "anniversary" mark), it sent me back to Psalm 102. To that point, the readings had just been moving forward through a few different books each day so it seemed strange. Until I flipped over there and read the "title" and "subtitle" of the Psalm. The CSB calls it "Affliction in light of Eternity" and says it's "a prayer of a suffering person who is weak and pours out his lament before the Lord." Okay. It had my attention. Go ahead and read it for yourself but here's some of what it says. "Lord, hear my prayer; let my cry for help come before you...my days vanish like smoke, and my bones burn like a furnace. My heart is suffering, withered like grass...My days are like a lengthening shadow, and I wither away like grass. But you, Lord, are enthroned forever...He will pay attention to the prayer of the destitute and will not despise their prayer. This will be written for a later generation, and a people who have not yet been created will praise the Lord. He looked down from his holy heights - the Lord gazed out from heaven to earth - to hear a prisoner's groaning, to set free those condemned to die...Your servant's children will dwell securely, and their offspring will be established before you." How amazing it is that we can address the Creator of the heavens and the earth asking Him to hear our cries during this temporary life and He actually hears and cares about us. The reading plan I'm using this year isn't inspired or ordered by God but it was no coincidence that I got to read that particular verse on that difficult day. There are plenty of Psalms that feel extra applicable to me now, but how great is it that God cares about our finite issues so much and is willing to provide little reminders like that for us?

Moments like that make pessimism unattractive. They make the darkest of days seem less daunting. And they shrink some of my biggest fears as they reorient my focus. Of course I miss the times when this time of year was filled with only happy memories. But I will gladly accept the mixed emotions for years and years to come.

Prayer Requests

- Brain and chest/abdomen scans on Monday (6/2). These always bring an element of anxiety with them (for both of us). It would be great to have more good news from the scans but please also pray for our peace between now and whenever we get the results.

- Summer break is officially here. None of us have had a summer break with me being home and off work so much or with Bekah having to do work outside the house. Lots of unknowns come with those changes but we are looking forward to more time together.