No Good Way to Say It

 In the last couple of months, Clay has written blog posts to update on where he is on this journey. Every time I read them, and they are good and true and hard, but just hasn't wanted to post them for various reasons. I think it's partly because there's just no good way to say bad news. No matter how you say it, the words still get stuck in your throat and no matter how many times you write and rewrite it, it will never sound good. Because the devastating truth is that none of this is good. 

In May Clay woke up on the morning of Eden's pre-k graduation and said he was feeling so bad, he didn't think he could go. Of course, I understood. I told him I would pick him up if he changed his mind or I would come home after it was over. Well, the next thing I know he shows up at the church for the graduation, sits through it, encourages our sweet girl, takes the pictures. Then tells me he thinks we should go to the hospital because he could hardly breathe because of chest pain. This put us in the hospital for a few days running numerous tests and trying to determine the cause. In the end, they weren't able to figure it out completely, but they had managed to lessen the pain and sent us home. 

During this time, the oncologist told us that she would normally take us off of his current treatment because the chest pain could be a side effect, but that once we stopped this treatment, we had exhausted all of our options. Though we had our suspicions that this was the case, we were understandably filled with dread. I think that pretty much sums up the last two months: dread. Just a heaviness that we wake up with and carry all the time-in the midst of trying our best to enjoy the summer with the kids. 

In June, Clay had a brain scan that showed several suspicious spots. The oncologist wanted to wait a month and rescan just to be sure. We did that scan last Thursday (7/16) and it was by far the worst brain scan he has had. After around 8 months of stable scans, there were over a dozen either new or growing tumors. We were devastated. 

The weekend that followed ended up being the most painful weekend that Clay has had - unable to get comfortable, pain at an all-time high, as well as high anxiety over this news. After a couple nights of very little sleep, we decided to go to the ER on Monday evening to try to get some relief for him. Long story short, after hours of waiting and never seeing a doctor, we got a hotel and went to the cancer center urgent care Tuesday morning. From there, we met with his oncologist, and she confirmed what we knew was true - his current treatment is no longer effectively controlling the cancer, and we have no more treatment options to try. She recommended admitting us to the hospital to get his pain under control and then proceeding with hospice care at home once we leave here. 

Our hearts are broken. No matter what we know to be true about the hope of heaven and how this life is a vapor, this is not the story we wanted. It is not the ending we had hoped for. It is not the answer to the prayers our children have prayed every night for the last 3+ years. We do not lose faith, and our Comforter is so near, but oh how we grieve.

I would ask specifically for prayers for us as we tell our children. In their own way, they can see that their daddy has been feeling worse, but up until this point our goal has been to protect them from the heaviness of this journey rather than prepare them for the worst. However, we will need to have impossible conversations with them. I have read this liturgy often and would ask that you would pray it for them with us:

Giving Your Children Bad News

O Lord, in a few moments
I have to tell my kids one of the worst things 
I hope they will ever hear.

Have mercy on us, O Lord,

I know you love them more than I

could ever love them.

Help me remember that truth

as I watch the pain cross their faces,

and also in the coming months 

as I shepherd them through the grief 

that is sure to follow.

May this moment of awful revelation

not become a memory that might uproot

their budding faith, but rather one that plants it

deeper within them, turning their young hearts

to you in the midst of their dismay and giving

those gospel seeds the resiliency they need to 

flourish for a lifetime, no matter the suffering or 

the circumstances they experience in their lives. 

Help me not to fall apart as I tell them, O Lord. 

Help me hold my emotions together so that 

I don't scare them, but also let me be open enough 

of a window into my own sorrow that they

might see that it is okay and good to grieve,

to weep, and to express their feelings.

Sovereign Lord, this news is so awful

my children likely won't even understand

some parts of it. And I'm not sure quite

how to explain it. Grant me wisdom, insight,

and understanding to communicate

just enough that they might comprehend

this heartbreak in an age-appropriate way,

but also such that no horrid,

graphic details would lodge

in their dreams and imaginations. 

I rely on you, Holy Spirit, to be

my counselor, nudging me toward

what to tell and what to hold back. 

Let me be sensitive and responsive 

to your voice that I might

in this moment become a conduit

of your wisdom and

your love for my children.

There will almost certainly be a loss 

of innocence in learning of this news.

My children will begin to understand

hard truths about life and humanity.

Till now I've tried to guard their hearts

from things too dark for them to deal with.

I've tried to show them the flourishing 

and the beauty of your good creation. 

Now they will also hear of the horrors that

followed on the heels of the fall.

Lord, may they know that you are still good. 

May they better see why the news of your 

coming kingdom is such a great hope.

May they begin to learn how you will subvert

even this evil, somehow using it for the 

good of your people and for your glory. 

I entrust their innocence to your hands.

Lord, our great Healer-

redeem the trauma this brings

to our lives. Let your redemption be

active in ways we cannot even imagine.

Redeem the shock and the wounds

we will feel. And redeem the wreckage 

in the lives of those affected most directly. 

Do not let this trauma lodge for long

in our bodies, spirits, or minds, O Lord.

Make us resilient. Let our faith become more 

rooted and fierce in the face of storm and

darkness. Give us a grit that would glorify you,

using even this experience to make our lives

more sheltering for others in their sorrow. 

Hold us, heal us, comfort us, Lord Jesus.

We entrust you with all that is good

and all that is awful in our lives. 

Be near us in the hard conversation

soon to happen. Be our balm and our

guide, our counselor and our shepherd,

in the hours and days and months that follow.

Amen.

From: Every Moment Holy, Volume III

By: Janel Davis 

Prayer requests:

-We know that nothing is too hard for God, and it is still good and right to pray for a miracle even now. And in the same breath, I'm reminded of something Clay wrote to me in a letter for our anniversary in May. "I'm thankful we don't have to kind of weak faith that believes God is only good if we get what we want." He went on to simply state the gospel - God is good because we have already been given more than we deserve in eternal life with Him.  

-Clay's pain management to get under control so that we can go home quickly

-Details for this transition. We don't know what to do, but we know that God will go before us and behind us and walk beside us every step of the way.

-Our sweet babies

-Peaceful and precious days at home 

We love you guys. 

Ready, break.   

You're Not as Tough as You Think You Are

And neither am I.

Since we got to Russellville, it is oddly common for someone to approach me after a worship service to tell me that my presence is encouraging or challenging to them. Just showing up encourages their faith or improves their day — their words. While I'm not always sure how to respond in the moment, those sentiments touch me deeply and challenge me each week.

The truth is, I have a couple excuses for staying home most weeks. My jaw, eye, elbow, shoulder, back, hip, knees, or ankle would probably serve as an excused absence if I had to miss a week. Any one of them is really more than I can tolerate. But I suddenly understand a pretty basic concept that I've heard (and preached) a lot. It's not about what I can endure.

There was a time when I was much quicker to punt on any given week for the smallest of ailments. My suspicion is that I'm not the only one. The strength required to achieve anything doesn't come from within us.

I'm finally starting to comprehend what that means on a deeper level. We are commanded to gather together and not forsake it. Of course having one-on-one time with the Lord through the discipline of daily Bible reading is critical. Just as critical is gathering with a local body of believers to sing "songs, hymns, and spiritual songs" together and being taught the Word by someone set apart as a teacher of Scripture.

While my children cannot articulate what others tell me, it is my deep desire that they will look back at these times and understand the importance of gathering with believers for the nourishment of their souls when they grow up. They might not grasp how hard it is for me to put my clothes on and hobble to the car and into the building, but I pray that these days stick in their minds as an example to follow later on in life. I set plenty of bad examples that I pray are forgotten immediately but the concept of trusting the Lord for the strength to do the important things is one that I pray lasts well into adulthood for them.

I need them to remember that their flawed dad showed up for them and Him even on days where it shouldn't have been possible. There are more of those kinds of days with each week that passes. Will you join me in asking God to give me the strength to do the things that matter? I'm humbled that He uses me to teach others to quit looking for excuses. Please pray that the 4 people who share half my DNA will one day cherish those memories and examples, too.

Prayer Requests:

- Well, I already listed one. But please pray for my pain level to be low enough that it's less of a miracle when I get out of the house.

- I met with a knee specialist recently and he thinks it would help me to get a nail inserted in my femur to stabilize it some, as well as a procedure to scrape out the infected tissue on my knees. And I think he meant ASAP, so we are waiting to hear back from the orthopedic oncologist on his thoughts.

- Bekah needs a lot of supernatural help, too. We are re-learning the practice of praying the Lord's Prayer frequently and we certainly feel the "give us this day our daily bread" line. Having extra "bread" leftover at the end of the day to save for tomorrow is just not something we get to do right now. But each day requires so much from Bekah, to a crazy extent. Please pray for her stamina — physical but, more importantly, spiritual. There aren't many who understand the lengths she has to go to.

Ready, break.

This year so far

 It has been a while since I (Bekah) have written an update. The truth is that I wrestle with how to write these. I go between two opposing desires: I want to be honest about where we're at, but I also want to protect you (whoever you are reading this) from the heaviness of what we're walking through. I want you to come to our post and be encouraged and hopeful. I want to have positive updates to give you. But that's just not always the hand we're dealt. And really, am I protecting anyone by hiding our burdens when I know that we are called to bear one another's burdens? Our community has faithfully done for us over and over again in a thousand different ways over the last few years. 

So here is our honest update:

Clay's last post was a farewell to a 2025 we weren't sad to see go. As much as I hate to say it, the first two months of 2026 have not proven to be any better. We started the year with a trip to NJ with Clay's family. Our kids had an absolute blast with their cousins and a time to explore a part of the country they hadn't been before, but it was a very challenging trip for Clay. 

At the end of January, Clay had a scan that unfortunately showed that his kidney tumor had grown and spread to a nearby lymph node. This is the first time since we learned of the cancer that he has had growth or spread to any organs (though it has been suspected in the past), so that of course was worrisome and discouraging. It also meant that once again, we stopped a current treatment plan and had to begin the process of deciding on a new one and getting it approved. We finally have both medications approved and are waiting to receive the second one. He will now be on two pills per day instead of going in for infusions every other week. 

In the midst of that, his knee pain has increased significantly even with regular PT and pain meds, making walking difficult and painful, to say the least. And yet, he's somehow made it to Eli and Lydia's upward games on Saturday mornings and to church most Sundays. I have never been so proud of anyone as I am of my husband and how he perseveres through suffering. 

This month I have worked from home more often than not so I can be available to Clay, but also, I'm just finding that normal conversations are hard. And questions about how I or Clay are doing are even harder. 

But for all the hard that this year has brought, it has also brought the sweetest gift we could ever receive as parents. Earlier this month Clay and I were able to walk through some questions that our oldest had about God and in light of those conversations, he repented and believed in Jesus! Clay is getting to baptize him this Sunday. This is our second child that Clay will be able to baptize! What grace the Lord gives! 

I would not wish this trial on anyone. And yet, in the midst of it, my confidence in who God is has become more real and more certain than ever. I find the Lord being my shield and the Holy Spirit bringing scripture to mind at all times of the day. I find myself praying to God the things He's bringing to mind and asking Him to do it - for my joy in Him to be my strength, to take this burden that sometimes feels as though it may crush me and instead give me his rest, to comfort me in the waste places, to remind me that I can rejoice and be content in all circumstances. And I have found Him faithful.  

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, 
and the flame shall not consume you. 
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

          Isaiah 43:1-3a

Prayer Requests:

• New medication to be effective and that the cancer would go away
• Relief from pain
• For the baptism Sunday - for nothing to prohibit Clay from being able to do it 
• Wisdom for us as we parent the kids through this season. Nothing about this is easy, and we long to do it well. 

Ready, break!