You're Not as Tough as You Think You Are

And neither am I.

Since we got to Russellville, it is oddly common for someone to approach me after a worship service to tell me that my presence is encouraging or challenging to them. Just showing up encourages their faith or improves their day — their words. While I'm not always sure how to respond in the moment, those sentiments touch me deeply and challenge me each week.

The truth is, I have a couple excuses for staying home most weeks. My jaw, eye, elbow, shoulder, back, hip, knees, or ankle would probably serve as an excused absence if I had to miss a week. Any one of them is really more than I can tolerate. But I suddenly understand a pretty basic concept that I've heard (and preached) a lot. It's not about what I can endure.

There was a time when I was much quicker to punt on any given week for the smallest of ailments. My suspicion is that I'm not the only one. The strength required to achieve anything doesn't come from within us.

I'm finally starting to comprehend what that means on a deeper level. We are commanded to gather together and not forsake it. Of course having one-on-one time with the Lord through the discipline of daily Bible reading is critical. Just as critical is gathering with a local body of believers to sing "songs, hymns, and spiritual songs" together and being taught the Word by someone set apart as a teacher of Scripture.

While my children cannot articulate what others tell me, it is my deep desire that they will look back at these times and understand the importance of gathering with believers for the nourishment of their souls when they grow up. They might not grasp how hard it is for me to put my clothes on and hobble to the car and into the building, but I pray that these days stick in their minds as an example to follow later on in life. I set plenty of bad examples that I pray are forgotten immediately but the concept of trusting the Lord for the strength to do the important things is one that I pray lasts well into adulthood for them.

I need them to remember that their flawed dad showed up for them and Him even on days where it shouldn't have been possible. There are more of those kinds of days with each week that passes. Will you join me in asking God to give me the strength to do the things that matter? I'm humbled that He uses me to teach others to quit looking for excuses. Please pray that the 4 people who share half my DNA will one day cherish those memories and examples, too.

Prayer Requests:

- Well, I already listed one. But please pray for my pain level to be low enough that it's less of a miracle when I get out of the house.

- I met with a knee specialist recently and he thinks it would help me to get a nail inserted in my femur to stabilize it some, as well as a procedure to scrape out the infected tissue on my knees. And I think he meant ASAP, so we are waiting to hear back from the orthopedic oncologist on his thoughts.

- Bekah needs a lot of supernatural help, too. We are re-learning the practice of praying the Lord's Prayer frequently and we certainly feel the "give us this day our daily bread" line. Having extra "bread" leftover at the end of the day to save for tomorrow is just not something we get to do right now. But each day requires so much from Bekah, to a crazy extent. Please pray for her stamina — physical but, more importantly, spiritual. There aren't many who understand the lengths she has to go to.

Ready, break.

This year so far

 It has been a while since I (Bekah) have written an update. The truth is that I wrestle with how to write these. I go between two opposing desires: I want to be honest about where we're at, but I also want to protect you (whoever you are reading this) from the heaviness of what we're walking through. I want you to come to our post and be encouraged and hopeful. I want to have positive updates to give you. But that's just not always the hand we're dealt. And really, am I protecting anyone by hiding our burdens when I know that we are called to bear one another's burdens? Our community has faithfully done for us over and over again in a thousand different ways over the last few years. 

So here is our honest update:

Clay's last post was a farewell to a 2025 we weren't sad to see go. As much as I hate to say it, the first two months of 2026 have not proven to be any better. We started the year with a trip to NJ with Clay's family. Our kids had an absolute blast with their cousins and a time to explore a part of the country they hadn't been before, but it was a very challenging trip for Clay. 

At the end of January, Clay had a scan that unfortunately showed that his kidney tumor had grown and spread to a nearby lymph node. This is the first time since we learned of the cancer that he has had growth or spread to any organs (though it has been suspected in the past), so that of course was worrisome and discouraging. It also meant that once again, we stopped a current treatment plan and had to begin the process of deciding on a new one and getting it approved. We finally have both medications approved and are waiting to receive the second one. He will now be on two pills per day instead of going in for infusions every other week. 

In the midst of that, his knee pain has increased significantly even with regular PT and pain meds, making walking difficult and painful, to say the least. And yet, he's somehow made it to Eli and Lydia's upward games on Saturday mornings and to church most Sundays. I have never been so proud of anyone as I am of my husband and how he perseveres through suffering. 

This month I have worked from home more often than not so I can be available to Clay, but also, I'm just finding that normal conversations are hard. And questions about how I or Clay are doing are even harder. 

But for all the hard that this year has brought, it has also brought the sweetest gift we could ever receive as parents. Earlier this month Clay and I were able to walk through some questions that our oldest had about God and in light of those conversations, he repented and believed in Jesus! Clay is getting to baptize him this Sunday. This is our second child that Clay will be able to baptize! What grace the Lord gives! 

I would not wish this trial on anyone. And yet, in the midst of it, my confidence in who God is has become more real and more certain than ever. I find the Lord being my shield and the Holy Spirit bringing scripture to mind at all times of the day. I find myself praying to God the things He's bringing to mind and asking Him to do it - for my joy in Him to be my strength, to take this burden that sometimes feels as though it may crush me and instead give me his rest, to comfort me in the waste places, to remind me that I can rejoice and be content in all circumstances. And I have found Him faithful.  

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, 
and the flame shall not consume you. 
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

          Isaiah 43:1-3a

Prayer Requests:

• New medication to be effective and that the cancer would go away
• Relief from pain
• For the baptism Sunday - for nothing to prohibit Clay from being able to do it 
• Wisdom for us as we parent the kids through this season. Nothing about this is easy, and we long to do it well. 

Ready, break! 

So Long 2025

We remain inconsistent with our updates. Consistently inconsistent, some might say. The last week of the year seems like a reasonable time to force myself to sit down and type some gibberish out. It's not a "year-in-review" kind of post, I don't think. Probably more of one last update before 2025 mercifully ends.

There haven't been major changes since the last update. My right eye is still totally blurry but it's not painful, at least. I got a steroid shot in the eye last month to hopefully keep the pressure in my eye up long enough to have cataract surgery sometime next Spring. The shot itself wasn't as bad as I feared. However, by the time we made it from the 8th floor to the 1st floor, I felt like I might pass out from the pain. And I'd like to think my pain tolerance has always been fairly high and has increased quite a bit over the past 18-ish months. The pressure was incredibly intense for a couple hours but has been fine since then. Praying for the return of eye sight next year. I didn't realize how much my brain needed both eyes to have any depth perception. Maybe everyone else knew that but no one told me I wouldn't be able to catch a ball or put toothpaste on my toothbrush with only one eye. But we press on in spite of it.

I started a different immunotherapy infusion last month. I will get that every 2 weeks and I have had 3 rounds so far. Sometime around the start of that, my appetite disappeared. It probably happened before that but I was on an oral steroid that helped me eat for a bit before that. But I haven't been eating much for at least a month. Food sometimes sounds good right up until it's time to eat and then it all sounds disgusting when it is actually Go Time. To make it worse, my jaw hasn't felt great for a while either so chewing is painful. Knowing that it's going to hurt and not feeling hungry (occasionally feeling nauseous) makes it pretty difficult to consume enough every day. Surprisingly, I'm only down about 15 pounds so far but I wouldn't say I had 15 pounds to lose before all this started. I partially blame the weight loss on my poor sleep lately, too. I have no meat to cushion my bones at night so I get extra achy in the night and there's only so many ways you can rollover to relieve that. Not a great situation.

In spite of all that, I think we had a pretty good Christmas season. The kids had a blast, we made it to the Christmas Eve service, and I only ran out of patience once last week (I think - Bekah can correct that if my memory is wrong). I had to skip our last family gathering at the end of the week out of pure exhaustion but I made it through the rest of them! This season can be exhausting even when we are operating on a full tank. And I haven't experienced a full tank in quite some time. It was a great week, though, and I tried extra hard to make the most of every moment. Something that I probably should have been doing all along but I'm a slow learner.

We are off to the beaches of New Jersey with most of my family on January 1st for about a week. Travel is hard. Packing all my pills and medical things is hard. Being in a different environment is hard. It's a lot. But there's potential for it to be fun. Our kids have never flown before (Judson was about 5 months old the last time he was on a plane), so they are excited and will have a great time, no doubt. Praying I'm at least a little better than miserable the whole time.

That's about all the highlights I can think of for now.

Prayer Requests

- Maybe some of y'all can join in those prayers for the trip. As long as I don't make others miserable, it'll feel like a successful trip.

- Pray that this new treatment plan works even better than expected. My last brain scan was okay again. I think that's 3 in a row that were okay. My next body scan should be next month sometime. Praying it reveals improvement and no steps in the wrong direction. 

- My insurance is changing yet again next year. It has been fine the last 3 times it has changed but it does add a new layer of anxiety. Pray that the anxiety doesn't dominate and that the transition is smooth enough.

That's all I've got for ya.

Ready, break!