It has become a Christmas tradition for me to buy Bekah a book as part of my gift to her each year. Sometimes it is a book that fits our current "season" of life. Other times it's just a book that I think she'll enjoy. As I planned out last year's book, I kept coming back to one book by Elizabeth Elliot in particular: Suffering is Never for Nothing. If you aren't familiar with Elizabeth and Jim Elliot's story, I'll let you Google that on your own. But with a title like that, you can tell why I was reluctant to purchase it.
I was not familiar with the book before stumbling across it in my hunt and it scared me at least a little that the Lord kept leading me back to it. Knowing the Elliots' story and reading the description of the book made it an uncomfortable prospect. Why could I not get away from this title? We had dealt with the excruciating pain of a miscarriage early on last year. I thought maybe the Lord kept bringing it to mind as part of that healing. But Bekah was also pregnant with Judson at the time. Was this the Lord preparing us for some hardship to come regarding baby Judson? Or was something about to happen with one of our other 3 kids that we needed to be prepped for? These were the questions that made me want to purchase ANY other book for my wife's Christmas present. But I couldn't escape it and finally ordered the book having no idea why.
Fast forward 6 months, and we finally got our "why" when I got my diagnosis at the end of May. It is fair to categorize much of the last 7 months as suffering. It has been 1 step forward, 2+ steps back many times. One part of my body starts feeling better only for something else to start hurting. We learn a whole new diet just to scrap most of what we've implemented in favor of a different diet that my stomach can handle for a little while. We've gotten 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions on everything from diagnosis to treatment in 3 different states. I went from barely going to the doctor once a year to having 50+ appointments and a 4-day hospital stay over the summer. I started the year with a weight loss goal. Suffice it to say, I surpassed that goal. I went from running multiple times a week to barely able to walk up the stairs to my office at times. I can't chase our kids around our apartment or play ball with them anymore. Most of the time, bending over to pick up the football is almost too much to ask of me. While it feels dramatic, "suffering" is an appropriate word for my current state far more often than it used to be.
Remaining hopeful in the suffering is the hard part. How could we remain hopeful given what we know and what the doctors have told us? Because we know that suffering is never for nothing. We have to cling to that even though we may never get a clear answer to that "why." Truths that I've preached and we've taught are now much more "real" for us than ever before. I used to find it pretty easy to be "content in any & every situation" (Philippians 4). I knew in my head that Paul wrote those words from prison but now I have a deeper understanding of how hard the struggle is to get to that point. It makes more sense why faith is listed as a spiritual gift by Paul in 1 Corinthians. You don't arrive at the point of viewing suffering as necessary apart from the Lord's equipping. Without a firm belief that Romans 8:28 is true when it says that all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose, these present sufferings sure wouldn't feel worth it.
But these suffering are real so they must be worth it. They must be for my good. It must be for Bekah's good and our kids' good. It's the only option. We can only rest because of those promises. We can trust those promises are still true because God does not change — unlike our circumstances. The "psalms of ascents" from Psalm 120-130 provide consistent encouragement on the hard days. He is unchanging and faithful to hear us when we call out. Trusting that truth everyday is not as simple as I'd like for it to be but it is the hope that we cling to no matter how hard the suffering becomes.
Prayer Specifics
- Treatment on Thursday, 12/14. This is round 2 of the new medication I'm on for my gut health. The plan is to restart the immunotherapy with the 3rd treatment coming up in January. The first round wiped me out pretty good for a few days a couple of weeks ago.
- One of my oldest friends is coming for a visit next week. We are separated by a few states now but there's nothing like old friends.
- We are a little over a week away from heading back to AR for Christmas. We just made a trip up there last weekend for my grandmother's funeral. The kids did incredible and I felt as good as I could the whole time we were there. Call me selfish but it would be a nice blessing to feel good again over the holiday.
