As I consider this season we are in, the deep valleys and the lower-than-usual peaks, I am surprised by the presence of joy each day. Prior to all of this, I thought I knew what James meant when he said to count all trials as joy. This trial hits a little different than previous ones. While it's certainly not joy-FILLED yet, I'd say it's "joy-seasoned," at the very least. When those valleys come, there is always something (a verse, a song, a prayer, a call/text from a friend) close by to pull us up.
We've had a couple of those days in the past week.
On Friday morning, I felt a sharp pop and grind in my right shoulder. Thankfully we avoided a break or separation but the sharp pain will severely limit mobility for a bit. We have another scan scheduled for next week to check it out. Then Monday night's brain MRI revealed a couple of small masses that we are now monitoring. Based on the other scans, we didn't think the brain scan was necessary last time around so we can't really say these are new but the news is new to us. I keep reminding myself that my situation could be worse but I'm growing weary of the confirmations of that reality. We are meeting with the neurologist Friday to see what he thinks about them.
Mike Tyson famously quipped, "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face." To say we had a plan might be a slight overstatement but things seem to change when the brain comes into the picture (even as tiny as mine may be). It was daunting before and even more so now. But again, the complex nature of this season. With every punch has come consistent reminders that the Lord has not left us to face this alone. He has not forsaken us or turned His back on us. His grace has been sufficient for each day and it is that grace that gives us the ability to see the joy in the midst of this suffering. At Oaks Church Raleigh, part of the service was always set aside for "evidences of God's grace." Making it a habit to reflect on that evidence is a fruitful endeavor. Sometimes that evidence comes in the form of a friend coming to town to hang out and help out. Sometimes that evidence comes in the form of a CT scan that shows a malignant tumor that hasn't changed much in the past 6 weeks even though we haven't started any medical treatments yet. That news was received with great joy and gives us increased hope that the changes we've made are doing something beneficial for my body. It also brought with it an increased desire to fight. By His grace, I'm about ready to start punching back.
So what's our plan?
"A person's heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps" Proverbs 16:9
The last post I wrote was called "Change of Plans." That's been a common refrain the past 6 weeks. 7 weeks ago, we had a very good idea what the rest of our year would look like. What the next bunch of years would look like, really. And we were really excited about it. That plan changed. 3 weeks ago, we were ready to start treatments and fight back. That plan changed.
It was at that point that we could no longer sit still and wait. Bekah mentioned my diet change last time. It's rough but it's getting easier. A host of other plans have been made and changed in the past month.
Our current plan is to continue with the strict diet changes and start our immunotherapy treatments on Thursday.
We are...anxious. How will my body respond? What do we do if the side effects do hit me? What if there's no change to the tumor? Medicine is always changing and doctors are always learning and improving treatment methods. It's a great gift to live in 2023 for those reasons. Knowing there's so much information at our fingertips has allowed us to do some deep-dive research. It's how we landed on my current diet. It's also given us a chance to see what other options exist and which ones might be worth considering. Discerning the good from the bad is no easy task, though. We are using the minds He gave us and trusting Him to "determine our steps" as He has every step our lives so far.
The thing about making all these plans and doing everything within our power to fight back is that our hope isn't in our efforts. Our hope is in the healing power of God. We think these things are beneficial and are giving my body a better chance to fight. But that's not where our ultimate hope is. Diets are great, but we are trusting God to shrink and remove this tumor. We ask for that constantly. And we ask for wisdom and discernment constantly as we make plans. We were dropped straight into the deep end of this pool and there's an absurd amount of information available telling you how to stay above water. Some of it is helpful. Some of it is confusing. Some of it is from the Lord. Some of it is not. There's so much to learn and process. We are doing our best while remembering where our hope and help come from.
Prayer Points
- Immunotherapy treatment starts on Thursday morning. We are praying my body responds well and avoids the side effects. The less medication I have to take to counteract side effects, the better.
- Pray for a clear plan forward with the spots on my brain.
- Pray for Bekah. I'm not a lot of help these days and I require more attention than I used to. Please pray for her stamina and her heart. This has made everything harder on her but she's been incredible through it all. Absolutely incredible.
Thank you all for taking the time to read all of this.
Ready, break!
