Proverbs 22:1

 I wanted to try to start with a mini-tribute before some brief updates. We'll see how this goes...

"A good name is to be chosen over great wealth; favor is better than silver and gold."

Peter's words, "silver and gold, I have not," might be what my kids may hear one day. So maybe that's why this verse stands out to me. There's comfort in knowing there's much better things they can receive. Hopefully one of those things will be a good name. Like the one(s) I inherited.

My parents are a Godly couple active in our decent-sized church located in a big, "small town." I am the youngest of 4. We played the same sports, went to the same schools, attended the same church, ran in the same social circles, and stayed pretty consistent throughout my childhood. By the time I came around, everyone knew what to expect from the youngest Carroll. The bar was already in place. My parents have always been selfless people who serve in various roles. Too many people know Brian and Dawne Carroll in North Little Rock, AR. That sometimes felt like a curse as a teen who wanted anonymity but I knew it was a blessing, even back then. 

It didn't start with them, though. My paternal grandparents served faithfully in the largest church in Little Rock. He was a deacon, they taught Sunday school, she led in the women's ministry. In high school and college, I can remember them leaving early for church so they could go pick up "the old folks" and give them a ride. My maternal grandfather died when I was little so I don't have any real memories of him, unfortunately. But he was a respected man and architect. My grandmother remarried a man that we are all thankful for. He went home to be with the Lord this week and he will be missed by so many. If you're in Arkansas and near a southern baptist, chances are they know the name Don Moore. They probably remember an illustration he used in a sermon or revival service from decades ago. Or they have a story about how he ministered to them and served them in an impactful way. His shadow is far-reaching. Not because he wanted it to be, but because he used the gifts God gave him to their fullest potential. And his faith became sight this week. In typical Don Moore fashion, he was able to lead one of his hospice nurses to the Lord the day he entered their care. He sent me notes on Acts just a few weeks ago when he found out I was teaching on it in our life group. He will be greatly missed but he left so many blessings behind.

Our kids also inherited a fantastic heritage from Bekah's family. Her parents have faithfully served in a small community most of the time I've known them. Active and well-known in the schools, churches, and neighborhoods, people only have good things to say about the McCarleys. Bekah's grandfather was also a well-known preacher around the state. Between Don Moore and Jerry Holcomb, we are connected to almost every southern baptist in the state. 

That's the kind of name that I'd like to hand over to our kids. One that lowers barriers instead of creating them. A name that elicits stories and fond memories to share. Selfishly, I want those memories to exist personally in my kids' hearts. I want them to lean on first-hand experience and not just stories told by others. I want to joyfully pass that to them and help them understand that we have those good names because of what Christ did for us and how He changed us. Not because we were special but because of Jesus alive in us. This is what I want. Knowing that none of us is guaranteed 90+ years like Poppa Don had, we do our best to lay as firm a foundation as we can each day. Every tired evening and weekend is a chance to establish those memories and communicate those truths. Moments of reflection like this help refocus my attention to the bigger picture and what matters. Now just to figure out how to stop losing that focus day-to-day.

Update:

If you saw Bekah's post last week, you know I was in the hospital for a little bit trying to correct my right eye. The pressure in it improved and the pain mostly went away. It's still too blurry to see out of but I can actually have it open at this point. They said that'll probably improve with time. But they suspect that the immunotherapy is responsible for those issues. We meet with my oncologist Thursday (10/16) to talk about the new plan, but it does sound like we are going back to the drawing board yet again. Re-adjusting is the theme of our fight.

Prayer requests:

- Clarity on what the new treatment plan will be. The effectiveness of that treatment. And the ability to stick with a plan for more than a few rounds. And for the Lord to take this disease away totally, as only He can.

- Pray for our family as we adjust to life without Poppa Don. The service next week should be a beneficial time to celebrate his life. Our kids loved Poppa Don and Eden considered him her best buddy for a long time. They will all process the loss in different ways and we want to help them do that well.

- October-December is busy for everyone in America. We also have 2 kids birthdays to celebrate in the midst of the holiday fun. Eli will be 8 on 10/24 and Eden will be 5 on 11/25. They are a joy to celebrate.

Ready, break.

Unexpected Hospital Stay and Scan Updates

This post is going to cover a lot of ground. Since Clay posted the last update less than two weeks ago, it has been a bit of a whirlwind. The day he posted asking for prayers for stamina for me, I went down...fast and hard. Thankfully, our family and friends from church jumped in to take care of the kids and give me a few days to rest and recover. It was truly beautiful to see how quickly everyone jumped in to fill all the gaps. So far, three of us are finishing up antibiotics from the vicious strep throat virus, but thankfully, Clay didn't get it!

We also got the results back from his brain scan last week. Everything was stable, with no new spots or growth. This is two scans in a row! We were so thankful for this because I was very concerned that all of his eye problems was an indication that the cancer had spread, so this was a huge relief. However, his eye was still giving him a lot of problems. 

We got back in Monday (10/6) to see his eye doctor at UAMS and they were very concerned with the seriousness of the uveitis in his right eye. The inflammation was significantly worse this time, and they believe it is a response from the immunotherapy he started in July. They told us they wanted to consult with the oncology team, and they would let us know the plan. Tuesday morning (10/7), Clay's oncology team called and told him that they need to admit him to the hospital for 3-5 days to monitor his eye and get it under control with treatment. 

So once again, our family and friends stepped up at a moment's notice with a plan to help us with the kids. The bride of Christ truly never ceases to amaze me. 

We are currently in the hospital, and it seems the plan is to administer IV steroids for three days and then taper off. Hopefully, we can also figure out what his options will be to treat his cancer since it seems as though his current course will no longer be an option. This realization is very discouraging, as we have lost track of how many different treatment options we've exhausted in the last 2 years. 

So many of you are so faithful to pray and ask how to pray, but I realized this week that many of the people we see regularly, we've met in the last year and may not know what exactly Clay's situation is. So I thought it might be helpful to do a little recap:

Clay was diagnosed with a very rare form of stage 4 kidney cancer two years, 4 months, and 12 days ago. It is easy to remember the day because it was two days after he turned 35. He has "innumerable tumors" throughout his bones - neck, spine, ribs, hips, femurs. Because of this, he is in constant pain. We see multiple pain management doctors to try to manage it, but he still hurts every day. The cancer has also spread to his brain, where he has had over 20 spots treated. He has brain scans every 2 months and body scans every 3 months. From the beginning, we have known that kidney cancer is not an easily treatable disease. We know that unless our Sovereign Lord says, "Enough," Clay will have this cancer the rest of his life. But we also believe that nothing is impossible for God. So, we continue on, refusing to lose hope. 

Sometimes it is difficult for me to recognize this life. Sometimes people ask me how I'm doing, and I genuinely don't know the answer. But what I do know is this: God is keeping my foot from slipping. I think in pictures a lot. And from the beginning of this diagnosis, a picture that comes to me often is that I'm walking on the edge of a cliff. It's steep up, and it's steep down. And it is terrifying, but there's nothing to do but keep walking. From the very first few days, my prayer journal is full of me begging the Lord the same thing that the psalmist often did, to "keep my foot from slipping." Because while it's terrifying to look up, and terrifying to look down, the most terrifying part is to look back and see those four little babies who are walking behind us through this. And it is one thing if my foot slips, but it is an entirely different thing to pull them down with me. The Lord has been so faithful to answer that prayer and so many others. 

We were driving down I-40 this week, and Judson, who is almost 2.5 and never stops talking these days, noticed a giant cross. And he said, "Look mom-a cross! Who died there?" And I said, "Who did die there, Judson?" And he said, "Dod!" I said, "Yes, Jesus died on the cross. Do you know why?" And he thought for a minute and said, "Because I'm love him." 

And it dawned on me in that moment that it doesn't matter if my life is nothing like I expected, the main thing hasn't changed. My job, my privilege, this side of eternity is to be a disciple who makes disciples. Starting in my home. And cancer doesn't change that and can't take that away from us. He keeps our feet from slipping. 

Prayer requests:

-Clay's eye. It has been in an extreme amount of pain. Please pray that the steroids would work and his vision would be fully restored.

-Treatment plan - please pray for his oncology team as they decide on the next course of treatment for his cancer 

-Our kids - this will be twice in a short amount of time that they will be away from us for multiple nights. Please pray for their hearts as it is hard on all of us to be separated. 

-Our parents, their teachers, and multiple friends at church who are all helping us divide and conquer this week through field trips, choir rehearsals, Awanas, 2 baseball games, and just everyday life with four kids. Please pray for them to have strength and energy this week. 

-Overall that we wouldn't grow weary or discouraged. 

Ready, break!