Part 1: Thoughts on Manna and Perseverance
There is a moment just a couple weeks before Clay's diagnosis that my mind drifts to often. It's so vivid that I have looked for the actual picture on my phone multiple times only to discover that it really does only exist in my mind. It was a perfect spring day in New Orleans, and I was on a walk with the kids. Judson was about 5 or 6 weeks old and I was wearing him and directly ahead of me were the three "big kids" on their bikes. Little stair steps bursting with joy riding around the seminary campus where we lived. Our family was on the cusp of making a transition were excited about, I was married to my best friend, and we felt like our family was complete. I distinctly remember having the thought, "This is the life I always wanted."
In the last 15 months, I've had multiple people comment to me about the Lord providing manna for the day. And goodness, do I feel that. I often lay my head down at night amazed that the Lord has once again provided exactly what I needed and sustained me for another day. It is miraculous and it is enough and it is beautiful that the Lord sees and cares so intimately for us. Indeed, manna for the day. Every single day. It's a beautiful thing to live. But I must admit, that I have found myself more gracious towards the Israelites these days. Those wilderness wanderers who started complaining about the manna. After all, they left Egypt with images of milk and honey in their mind. And while unexplainable manna is miraculous, given the choice, no one choose manna in the wilderness over milk and honey in the promised land.
And I confess there are times as I lay my head down and acknowledge another day of manna that I find myself thinking of that walk last year. Remembering the lightness and anticipation of that season. And I feel a familiar ache in my heart because as much as I am thankful for the manna, I really thought these were going to be milk and honey years.
Which makes me think of Paul saying from prison that he has learned the secret to being content in all circumstances. The last couple of months have been the hardest yet on this journey for me, and I've found myself praying that since I have the same Holy Spirit as Paul, I would also like to learn what this secret is to contentment in all circumstances. And the Lord has been so faithfully and patiently showing me glimpses into this.
I realized that almost all of my prayers were focused on asking God for deliverance from this cancer for our family. And there is certainly grace for deliverance and God does give that. The kind of deliverance that we dream of when we go to a scan and it makes no sense, but the cancer is gone. That's the deliverance that I find myself asking for the majority of the time. Miraculous deliverance. And I keep asking for that and there's nothing wrong with that...until I stop seeing the rest of what the Lord is doing because He hasn't given us the grace of deliverance.
I was recently recounting to a friend all of the the things Clay has gone through in the last two months, and at the end she paused and said, "Goodness...is his faith still intact?" And immediately a picture came to mind of him with swollen eyes that would barely open, reading his Bible before the kids got up one morning. And I just said, "By the grace of God, it is."
And I realized that while we haven't yet been given the grace of deliverance, we have been given the grace of perseverance. And that is enough.
"And we rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame..."
And our hope is sure. Healing, Deliverance. Milk and Honey. All of that is sure. There is a day coming when all of that will be ours. Even on the hardest days, the hope of heaven is more real than our present suffering. But for today, we thank God for the grace of perseverance and manna.
Part 2: The Best of Us: An Update on the Kids
One question I get so often is: How are the kids doing? So here is a brief update on the best part of us.
While four small kids certainly add complexity and chaos to our situation, how blessed we are to have daily doses of laughter and joy and levity. I often think about how much I want to protect their childhood, protect them from the heaviness of it all. And I think that has happened this summer. They have had lots of pool time, lots of cousin and grandparent time.
Eli is still completely obsessed with baseball, so he will be starting another season in the fall. He could literally run this house. I worry that he is being forced to grow up too quickly, but I know this is just part of his story, and I pray the Lord will use it to develop a strong character that will serve him well.
Lydia started taking gymnastic classes a couple weeks ago. She informed my mom that she's "doing the Olympics...well training for them." She is sweet and thrives as her role as a sister. Her range of interests are big, but right now she loves to take care of the flowers we planted this spring and keep fresh flowers cut in the house.
Eden is hilarious. And she says that Lydia loves being fancy and she loves being "slilly" and we love that about her. She is constantly taking care of all her babies and animals, and thinks her little brother falls under the same category-much to his dismay.
Judson is a full blown toddler, as he started walking recently. He has an easy laugh, gives the best hugs and kisses, and adores his siblings. He can't hide his excitement when someone he loves walks in the room, and he already thinks he is big enough to do whatever the other three do.
A couple weeks ago, Clay started taking one at a time to breakfast on Friday's, and this is the highlight of their week.
Part 3: Health Update and Prayer Requests
I mentioned that the last two months have been the hardest yet. We moved back to North Little Rock on Memorial Day weekend, and by June 1st, Clay had pink eye. And that was just the beginning of his struggles. Since then he has had multiple infections, including the hospitalization with parotitis which caused his jaw to be in so much pain, he was barely able to open his mouth and was unable to eat much of anything for a couple weeks. He is still not fully recovered from that.
Once we got home, both of his eyes became incredibly swollen, painful, and light sensitive. This led us to an ophthalmologist, who referred him to two different eye specialists. Again, his eyes are doing much better, but he is still recovering and on multiple eye drops and will have follow up appointments with the specialists to monitor improvement. It is not an exaggeration at all to say that his eyes were closed far more than they were open in the month of June and first half of July.
He had scans at the end of July. To be honest, we were dreading them far more than usual after how bad he had felt. We were relieved to find that his kidney tumor was stable and the cancer had not spread anywhere else. However, we were disappointed to learn that there were three new spots in his brain. He should have another procedure for those this week. They said it would take a couple of weeks to make the plan because his case is so complex.
Clay began a different treatment plan at the end of April. Since his body did not seem to be handling it well, his oncologist lowered the dose of one of his medications, and started him on a third medication that will hopefully reach his brain better. He started that Friday.
Saturday he woke up in intense pain in his right hip and upper thigh that makes it incredibly difficult to walk or get comfortable. And still he perseveres. Saturday, I looked out the window and he was playing catch with Eli. And today, he went to the pool with us and made sure he got time with the girls. I watch him do this every day, and I am still amazed by him.
As you can imagine, all of this has been quite draining and discouraging at times. We have more questions than answers these days and we need wisdom. We appreciate your prayers and so many of you checking in on us more than you know.
Prayer Requests:
- Relief for Clay's pain in his hip and for us to figure out what is causing it. As I'm finishing up this post (8/5), we are at urgent care to try to determine the problem.
- Continued healing for his eyes and jaw
- For the radiation procedure on the new spots on his brain and that there would be no new spots. We aren't sure the date for this but it will be soon. It is very taxing for him.
- For the new treatment plan to be effective
- For healing for Clay and perseverance for us
- Clay and I have a vacation planned for next month. We planned this trip in November and are so looking forward to time away together. Will you pray that we are able to go and that Clay feels well for it?
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